Dear Diary

[Written by my mom]

" From journal, 3-12-77 (don’t know where we were living – Woodstock? Liver flush reference lets me know that I was likely in the early days of working at Integral Health Services)

Dear diary,

Well, tonight is tonight, I am tired. Where is ambition, spiritual or otherwise? What is the goal upon which to fasten one’s life’s energies? 1) Take care of the children. 2) Do regular sadhana. 3) Flow with all changes regardless. Is 2 or 3 the highest? Don’t know. But I know I’m radiantly happy when I’m doing the regular sadhana! Maybe I’ll try to get up early tomorrow morning. For sure I want to get up before Lord Rama. He feels I haven’t been giving him enough love. I told him he had to give me more room. Well. I guess I’m wrong. I am the parent, so I just have to give him more love. It will help to get up earlier. I really love him. They are just well from high fevers. Divya and Kumar might move in.


I have been awake since 5:45. Now it is 7 and I’m sleepier than at the earlier time. I have had my eyes open for ½ hour and can find no reason strong enough to get me out of bed. I am fairly happy but feel my back like sponge and a certain amount of energy being lost by my gyrating mind and prone position. Mainly I want to be good to the kids this morning, and if I am carrying the worrisome burden of not having done my sadhana it is difficult. At the Zen Center I used to set my alarm far away and then get up to turn it off without thinking of “reasons.” – Stumble into my clothes and into the bathroom, down the street into my robes and into the zendo. Oh well. Om shanti. Time to meet the new day head on. Liver flush today.


I watched my mind tonight. Steve has been helping me meditate morning and evening since 4 days and helping me not drink coffee since March 1. Tonight I went to Hatha class and meditation. Felt so good. Amidst all the thoughts – leaving Zen Center, etc, the center became a little more clear and I felt again the value of meditating in a group and alone both as really adequate means of awakening oneself from tamasic slumber. "

Further Reading:
Rivers Cuomo
Steve Kitts
Beverly Shoenberger
( Last edited by Rivers at )